In my book, The Big Ask, I devote a chapter to the art of conversation and how questions can connect us to each other.
But what if it backfires? What if your thoughtfully engaging questions ensnare you in someone’s ponderous plot summaries of shows you’d never watch or a monologue about the miseries of their lactose intolerance?
Well, you could just hang in there and listen because you love them, or they employ you, or because they’d listened patiently as you held forth for an hour on the beauty of bitcoin.
But before you surrender to the longwinded, know there are at least four ways to change the direction of a deadly one-way conversation.
ONE … you can ask questions designed to stay on their topic while steering them toward an aspect of the topic you’d find a little more interesting – “Terry, I can really hear your passion for the Marvel Universe. What character from the franchise would you most like to be?”
TWO … you can try to change the subject. But there’s a smooth way to do it. Find an opportunity to jump in and summarize the core of their topic before transitioning to another. For example:
(Summarize) “Spencer, I see your point that the world changed with the invention of steam turbines. I hadn’t realized how much of our electrical power the turbines produce today.” (transition) “They could use some electrical power down in Knoxville right now! Do you know anyone affected by those big storms the other day?”
THREE … you can be as blunt as the relationship allows—“I’m afraid I’m getting lost in all the details, Melinda”—or borrow the line my sister, Jan, uses with good but rambling friends, “Land the plane!”
FOUR … you can set boundaries by giving yourself an out upfront. If you’re anticipating a meeting or conversation with a rambler, set a time limit: “I just want you to know before we begin that I’ve got a hard stop at 1:00.”
Regardless of the tactic, use it as an opportunity for your own self-awareness. Ask yourself, On what topics do I risk boring people? and then resolve to “read the room” and not strain your listeners’ attention when you have the floor.
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Photo by Timur Weber.
Paul Quinn is the author of The Big Ask: Unlock the Possibilities in Your Work, Life & Dreams with Courageous Requests.