There’s a dramatic moment in the British film Living in which Mr. Williams, a soft-spoken public works employee played by Bill Nighy, approaches his superior, Sir James, who’s refused his requests to turn a sewage-filled abandoned lot into a children’s park.
“Please excuse me,” Mr. Williams says, his voice hushed, deferential, “but I beg you to reconsider. I beg you.”
His plea is restrained, dignified, but seared with moral force. Sir James is speechless.
The park is approved.
Begging is asking from a place of helpless urgency, and no one is above it. When our back is against the wall, desperation can drive us to plead for everything from favors to rescue to the mercy of a second chance.
But needing something so intensely can make even our most apologetic begging sound like a demand (and no listener likes to feel cornered). If the giver accedes to our pleas, we may also get the sticky residue of their pity or resentment.
If your back is against the wall and you’ve tried all other means, begging may be unavoidable (and, hopefully, a one-off).
But if you routinely find yourself bowing and scraping for things, at work or home, try to get to the root of the problem:
Are you clearly communicating the importance of your request, being specific as to why you and/or others are asking?
Have you asked if the person or organization is capable of giving what you want? Might they have concerns or constraints they haven’t made clear to you?
Are you the only one begging or are others (such as coworkers) complaining too? If so, you can strengthen your case by communicating it as a group.
If there is abuse in the relationship, might their indifference to your desperation be a control strategy to keep you needy, manipulable, and primed to appease?
Begging is extreme. If it’s become a pattern for you at work, consider making an appointment to discuss it with your manager or HR. If you’re constantly begging at home, find support or solutions through individual, family, or couples counseling. Seek effective ways to get what you want. (See my interview with psychotherapist Rachel Sussman, who discussed alternatives to another form of begging – nagging.)
One area where multitudes are forced to beg, is healthcare. In the U.S., where a serious or extended illness can bankrupt even those with insurance, roughly 8 million people have started crowdfunding campaigns to pay for their own medical expenses or for someone in their household.
This suggests that the stigma against asking from desperation may be weakening, at least when it comes to healthcare. The online nature of medical crowdfunding removes some of the potential awkwardness—for both asker and donor—of face-to-face requests. And the donors are there. On GoFundMe alone, one-third of all donations goes toward healthcare costs.
Just speculating here, but perhaps it’s not just our collective empathy for sick and struggling people that drives donations but the uneasy recognition that the healthcare system (and other social safety nets) we count on might not be there when we need it.
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Paul Quinn is the author of The Big Ask: Unlock the Possibilities in Your Work, Life & Dreams with Courageous Requests. The book is available in paperback, digital, and audiobook formats.