Oh, the possibilities are horrible. And endless.
Your attempt at humor backfires and you’re marked as an insensitive jerk.
Someone you love catches you in a lie that hurts them and erodes their trust in you.
You accidentally text “Just between us, I think Sam is a psychopath” – to Sam.
The resulting emotion? Mortification. From the root word “mort,” meaning death. Which is exactly what we wish for at such moments. And as swiftly as possible.
Unless you are a Perfect Human Being, you’ve had occasion to make a few horror-stricken mea culpas in your lifetime. At such moments, you probably apologized immediately and profusely:
- “I am so terribly, awfully sorry. What I did was inexcusable.”
- “That was grossly out of character for me. Please forgive me.”
- “I was not at my best. I let you down and I let myself down.”
- “There are no words to convey how badly I feel about this. I will work very hard to earn back your trust.”
- “Take this sword and run it through me. Now. Please. I beg you.”
Unless you’re grossly incompetent or a chronic loose cannon, you don’t make mortified apologies very often. Instead, you apologize occasionally for relatively minor offenses in which your basic decency or judgment are not called into question.
But in this post, we’ll look at how to thoughtfully apologize for transgressions large and small.
Why apologize?
A sincere apology can do a world of good. It’s an act of self-respect that shows respect for the offended party. It demonstrates your empathy, accountability, and integrity. For the most serious offenses, asking forgiveness can open the door to healing – even if it takes a while for the door to fully open again.
It’s worth noting that seeking forgiveness is not just a human thing: Many primates have been observed humbling themselves before group members they’ve offended. (And just like humans, the apologies are not always accepted!) Whether primate or human, group cohesion and survival depend on the ability to work through conflict. And “I’m sorry” is often the first step in that direction.
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What makes an apology effective? That is, how can we express genuine remorse so that we’re more likely to be forgiven?
Speed. Don’t wait to apologize. The longer you delay it, the greater the strain on the relationship and the larger the question mark on your integrity. In most cases, it’s easier to apologize than be confronted for not having done so already.
Directness. If possible, apologize face to face; If that’s not feasible, call the person. Yes, this makes you more vulnerable, but apologies call for vulnerability. For a minor offense, an emailed apology may be just right. But don’t even consider a texted apology unless it’s “Sorry I’m running late.” The other party deserves more consideration than that.
Impact on them. Sometimes “I’m sorry” isn’t enough. You also need to acknowledge the specific harm or inconvenience your words or actions caused them – so that they know you get it. A few examples:
“Sheila, I’d promised to send you an update and, because I didn’t, you gave our customers incorrect information, which I know was embarrassing for you and frustrating for them.”
“Marcus, when you tried to tell me about your health struggles yesterday, I kept trying to ‘sprinkle sunshine’ on everything rather than just be your friend and listen. The more I interrupted, the quieter you got, and I’m really sorry about that, because I want to support you any way I can.”
Impact on you. Consider telling them how your error has made you feel (“I feel embarrassed/ bad about that”) so they can see your apology is not an empty one. Be careful, though, not to make the apology about your suffering – “Since I threw you under the bus, I haven’t had a decent night’s sleep!” You are not the injured party, they are. It’s not their job to make you feel better about what you did.
Reasons. If appropriate, help the person understand—as briefly as possible—how or why the regrettable situation came about. Providing a reason doesn’t mean you’re denying responsibility; it means that in the interest of clarity you want to give a more complete picture of what happened. For example:
“I had assumed you’d been told about the changes, or I never would’ve put you on the spot like that. I’m very sorry, Aaron. I should’ve run that by you privately first.”
Giving the reason (non-defensively) could help remove any suspicion that your misdeed was typical or intentional.
Action. After you apologize, tell them exactly what you will do or have already done to correct the error or compensate for your actions, whether generally—“I’ll pay closer attention next time,” or specifically—“As of this moment, Chris, I will never call you again when I’m intoxicated.” If you don’t know what actions to take, ask them: “How can I make this right?”
Ownership. Sometimes an apology opens the door for the recipient to claim part of the responsibility for the issue. This certainly makes reconciliation easier. But if you sense they’re offering to share the blame only as a polite way to help you save face, own it: “That’s kind of you, Carlos, but I’m the one who dropped the ball. It’s on me, and I apologize.”
Closure. Once your apology is verbally accepted, don’t continue apologizing to the person in the mistaken belief that more is better— even if they seem to treat you coldly. Especially when trust has been breached, some offenses could require a longer cooling-off period. The offended person might even hope that you suffer for a while, to lengthen your punishment.
But once you’ve apologized—and, if applicable, offered to make amends—it’s out of your hands. Move on. Work on forgiving yourself. An ongoing “apology campaign” will backfire by bothering them more than the thing you apologized for.
Should managers apologize?
Of course! A manager who apologizes models the accountability they expect from the staff, boosting trust and morale. Studies show what may be intuitively obvious: whether the manager takes responsibility for an act of incompetence, poor judgment, or a moral failing, both the manager and staff benefit from the freedom of that unburdening. The air is cleared; grievances resolved; wrongs righted. Peace befalls the kingdom.
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This article by Paul Quinn is a revision of the original published June 13, 2018, on the See The Potential Blog and June 18, 2018 on Medium. Paul Quinn is the author of The Big Ask.
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