From dating to mating and beyond, many people find it difficult to ask their partners for what they want. I asked Rachel Sussman, LCSW, to shed some light on this topic. She is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship expert, writer and lecturer.

Rachel is the founder of Sussman Counseling, a psychotherapy practice based in New York City, specializing in treating couples and individuals with relationship dilemmas. She is the author of The Breakup Bible: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Healing from a Breakup or Divorce (Random House).

Recognized nationally as a relationship expert, Rachel has appeared on the Today Show, Good Morning America, CNN, Martha Stewart Radio and NPR. She has been featured in The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, The Washington Post and The Huffington Post. She is a contributor to many leading magazines including Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Marie Claire, Redbook, Woman’s Day, Working Mother, Self, More, and Consumer Reports. 

Portions of this interview appear in my forthcoming book, The Big Ask.

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Paul Quinn: Rachel, I’m looking forward to talking with you on the sometimes tender topic of asking in relationships. And what better way to start than focusing on asking for dates? 

Rachel Sussman: There are lots of places in the world where you’re going to want to ask for something you need. There’s so much you need to ask for in relationships. And it should start during dating.

Paul Quinn: Before dating apps, we asked people out either by phone or face to face. Do any of your clients date without apps?

Rachel Sussman: It’s rare. I think this generation of young adults has lost the ability to organically ask somebody out. You know, when I was dating, and I’m sure when you were dating, you had to flirt. You had to try to gauge whether someone was interested in you or not. And if you thought you had a little bit of a chance, you’d take that chance. 

And of course, people with more confidence have always been a little better at it than people who are shy or less confident. But today, the majority of dating is done through the apps.

I rarely hear a story of someone being at a bar, a party, or a wedding and someone asking them out. A million years ago, a friend of mine married a guy that she met in line at the grocery store. When was the last time you heard a story like that? 

Paul Quinn: It’s been a while!

Rachel Sussman: But even with the app, it’s not going to become a date until someone asks the other person out. My clients tell me all the time about these guys that they chat with for a couple of weeks, and they don’t ask them out. 

And I just say, either stop talking to that person or ask them out yourself. If they hesitate, I’ll ask why, and some of them will say they’ve been conditioned to expect that the man is the one who asks the woman out. And I do feel that in the heterosexual culture, most guys know that. 

In the LGBTQ culture it’s less defined — anyone can make that first move. But that doesn’t mean it’s always easy for them to ask somebody out. Some of my LGBTQ clients tell me they’re shy and it’s hard for them. And then we explore that and work on it together. I’m very coach-y and I tell them, Give it a try! It’s really good to flex that muscle. 

Paul Quinn: Once a person has asked somebody out and gets a yes, there will hopefully be a lot of questions that get asked on the date. But I’ve heard and read complaints, from men and women, when the person they’re on a date with talks only about themselves. Are these over-talkers nervous? Self-absorbed?

Rachel Sussman: Yeah. Some people who only talk about themselves on dates may just be nervous, and for that reason I might advise my clients to give that person another chance. But if they give them another chance and the person still talks about themselves the whole time, I’m like, never see that person again.

Paul Quinn: In The Big Ask, I reference studies on how asking follow-up questions increases the likability of the prospective partner.

Rachel Sussman: Absolutely. When one of my clients tell me what they didn’t like about a date, what they all say is that their date talked about themselves the entire time and didn’t ask anything about them.

What they do like, though, is when their date was a great listener, or asked really good follow-up questions, or remembered something said earlier in the date, or the second date, and said, “Hey, how was that trip you went on?” or “How was that big work meeting that you were preparing for?” That’s always an excellent sign.

Asking in the Bedroom

Paul Quinn: So, the person asked for a date, got it, and both people asked a lot of questions about each other which increased the attraction and led to more dates. Let’s say the relationship has progressed to the bedroom. There may be no more vulnerable request than a sexual one. Would you speak about that?

Rachel Sussman: With new couples, one person (it’s not always the guy) invariably will say, “I really want to please you. Tell me what turns you on. What do you like?” 

We’re kind of a puritanical society, and many people still get really uncomfortable with that question. I work with a lot of young people. Men and women in their twenties and thirties have said they don’t know what to say when their partner asks them that. So, I’ll go the deep dive and ask them questions that help them put some thought into what they like.

Or a client will tell me that she or he is seeing someone they really like. When I ask, How’s the sex? — they’ll say, “ehh,” and I’ll ask them why. And then I say, “Have you considered talking to him or her about this?” And a lot of people get really uncomfortable with that question, saying, “How do I ask for that? I don’t want to embarrass my partner.” 

I teach them to say it in a way they can share with their partner. I have them think about what they want to say or ask, and how they want to phrase it – making it “we” instead of you or me, like, “If you can give me what I’m looking for, I can give you what you’re looking for as well. It would benefit us mutually.”

And the right time and place to say that is usually not during sex. And never in a way that shames the person.

Nonverbal language is another way to communicate that. I will tell someone, “Take their hand and gently put it where you want it to be. If you don’t want it somewhere, move their hand.” And sometimes their partners will catch on by that. A lot of people tell me, “I didn’t know my partner wanted to be touched there. I’m so glad she or he showed me that.” 

Paul Quinn: A person who isn’t communicating their needs is going to feel frustrated. Is sex primarily what drives people to see someone outside the relationship?

Rachel Sussman: A lot of people come to me for infidelity counseling, and for a percentage of them it’s about sex, though not always – it could be ego, attention, self-esteem. But when you get into the nitty gritty, you find that sometimes the person that’s cheating can ask for what they want outside of the relationship, maybe with a mistress or sex worker, but they’re embarrassed and uncomfortable to ask their partner for the same thing. 

The big work on that is to get the person who’s cheating to admit to their partner that there’s something outside of the marriage that they are turned on by, that they’ve always been embarrassed to bring it into the marriage.

Paul Quinn: I suppose that that “big work” might not begin at all, though, if the partner who’s been cheated on won’t or can’t forgive their spouse. 

Rachel Sussman: It’s a slippery slope. I’ve worked with so many couples with infidelity that have made it work and have gone on to have their best lives ever and their best marriages ever. That’s the most gratifying work.

Then there are people who are completely unforgiving, and that marriage falls apart. But there’s always the possibility that maybe the person had a reason to cheat. If this person is so unforgiving and so punishing, what must it have been like to be married to them? 

Asking vs. Nagging

Paul Quinn: In the first chapter of my book, I define what asking is, because many of us mistakenly think we’re asking when we’re actually demanding or nagging.

Rachel Sussman: Yes, and over time nagging will wear down the bond between a couple. They don’t feel heard, respected, or understood. They get a chip on their shoulders, which can produce more fights. 

In the relationship space, some people are so uncomfortable asking that they sometimes they don’t even realize they’re not asking. I often coach my individual clients on how to speak to a partner about something they’re uncomfortable or not happy with in the relationship. I don’t always phrase it as, “You should ask for this,” but we might talk about whether they’ve tried to ask for it or why it’s not happening. 

A lot of times, people make the mistake of asking in a way that puts the person down and shames them. So, what I often do with my clients is help coach them on how to ask for what they need, but in a way that’s solution focused.

Paul Quinn: Can you give an example of that, Rachel? 

Rachel Sussman: A really simple example could be some of the things that men and women nag each other about. Let’s say the husband never cleans up after himself and the wife often wakes up to a kitchen that’s a disaster. And she’ll say, “How many times have I told you — if you leave dirty dishes out, we’re gonna get bugs?”

When you shame someone, nothing good comes from it. And the next thing you know, it’s a big fight. 

Paul Quinn: Definitely. So, how might you coach someone in the example you just gave? 

Rachel Sussman: I might encourage them to say something like, “Hey, can I talk to you about something? It’s so important to me to have an organized, clean home. And I think there are many benefits for both of us to keep things clean and organized. It would mean everything to me if you could partner with me and we could talk about what that means to both of us, and if there’s some things that you need me to do differently, I’m happy to do that as well.” 

Paul Quinn: Nice! 

Rachel Sussman: The way I often put it, is to try to let your partner see the vision on how things can be, and that there’s something for both of you to benefit by what you are asking for.

Paul Quinn: Can you give an example of what that win-win might sound like?

Rachel Sussman: Let’s use the same couple. The win-win is that the husband finally hears his partner explain why it’s important to her, and he says, “I get it now – I can try harder. I’m maybe not gonna be as good as you at this, but I can do that.”

And she feels heard and validated, and says, “Thank you so much. Is there anything that I can do?”

And he says, “Well, yeah, as long as you’re bringing it up, you know, in the morning you never make enough coffee, and I always have to make coffee a second time. If you could just make a little more coffee in the morning, that would save me a good 10 minutes.” 

And then they both do this for each other maybe as a favor, and they feel cared for, and they feel heard, and the relationship gets better. 

Asking for Change

Paul Quinn: How does a partner ask for change in more serious conflicts?

Rachel Sussman: Asking for change is one of the hardest things to ask for. Especially with a big problem, like asking a partner to stop drinking or abusing drugs or overspending. This tough kind of stuff tends to not go along gender lines. The person is afraid the answer’s going to be no — and then what are they going to do? 

But if you’re not ready for no — which could be a deal breaker in the relationship — you’re not going to bring it up. Instead, you’re going to be passive aggressive, you’re going to nag. If it’s about drinking, you might say, “Do you remember what happened last night? You drank too much! Again! Do you know how you embarrassed yourself?”

Paul Quinn: Great example of being confrontational and shaming. How might that person turn it into an ask?

Rachel Sussman: “You were inebriated last night and were mean the way you spoke to me. You embarrassed me in front of our friends and that hurt me so badly – and it’s scary for me. Will you stop drinking? Can you do this for me? Because I don’t know that I can continue forward any longer if you can’t.”

That would be kind of the right way to do it. 

Paul Quinn: And this seems like the kind of conversation that’s way too important to have as part of another conversation, or while the partner is distracted. 

Rachel Sussman: Absolutely. A big mistake that I see is people bring up the right topic at the wrong time and in the wrong way. 

She Asked, He Said No

Paul Quinn: A person can go a very long time without ever asking their partner for what they want or need. What have you observed about that in your practice, Rachel?

Rachel Sussman: There have been people that, after they get over the heartbreak of the breakup and the divorce, they will admit to themselves, and to me, that they were never happy in that relationship, and that there was a certain area that they never got their needs met.

And it comes down to either they didn’t ask for it, didn’t know how to ask, or tried to ask and were turned down and didn’t have the confidence to end the relationship.

Paul Quinn: Can you give an example?

Rachel Sussman: A couple I know is divorcing right now. They met in college, got married, and the husband became exceedingly wealthy. She gave up her career to raise their two children. Throughout their marriage, he had everything in his name and nothing in hers. She asked for it over the years, but he refused. 

She told me, “I had to live my whole life with him controlling the purse springs and doling it out to me. I had a good life with him, but I can’t live like this anymore, because it means he doesn’t respect me, doesn’t trust me, doesn’t see that I’m worth half of his estate. I don’t want a divorce, but I’m done.” 

I know her husband, and I believe he did love her, but he wouldn’t give her what she asked, wouldn’t give up control. 

Regrets?

Paul Quinn: Rachel, is there anything you regret not having asked someone?

Rachel Sussman: Even if it’s hard to ask for something, I really try to ask for it. Even if it’s something I know I’m probably not going to get, I try to make peace with the fact so I can still have a relationship with that person.

And you don’t always get what you want. And that’s when you can use tools of acceptance and grace and try to remind yourself that even though you don’t get everything you need from this person, you’re in that relationship because you choose to be.

Paul Quinn: This has been a great discussion, Rachel. You’ve given us a lot to think about regarding asking in relationships.

Rachel Sussman: And you’ve given me a lot to think about because, although I work with people to get what they want out of relationships, I’ve never thought of it as the big ask. And now I’m going to think of it that way. And we all should keep doing that on our journey. I love what you’re doing with the book and you’re very good at this. Thank you. 

Paul Quinn: Thank you!